The case for an AR-15 under every pillow.

The overwhelming majority of the rabies-bitteni drivel frothed forth into online ‘platforms’ like Twitter, Medium, etc. are complete and utter rubbish. Comparing the lot of it to nuclear waste – with all the attendant hazardous precautions required to interact therewith implied therein – isn’t too strong a parallel. Not by some measure. But every now and again, one of the three-eyed blinking fish makes a case for himself, and today happens to be just such a splendorous day.

Why I “Need” an AR-15” comes from Jon Stokes of Ars Technica fame, so for your enlightenment and entertainment, let’s rip into the best that the swamps have to offer :

If, for you, my AR-15 ownership is prima facie evidence of my mental instability, sexual inadequacy, lack of a conscience, or what-have-you, then I honestly don’t care what you think about this issue. You can go back to broadcasting your own moral superiority on social media, and I can go back to tuning you out until your rage therapy session is over.

This is, for the record, the only way to deal with the feelings-driven, cum-guzzling potato scientards that stand for nothing but “komoonity konsensus of fellow kommrades” over everythingii : tell them to fuck off. There’s no negotiating with terrorists, no matter how many of them there are, there’s no room for compromise, no room for “reason,” nor any moral high ground to be taken by “hearing them out.” There’s only boxing them into cattle cars and shipping them off to the mines or gulags or camps or whatever you have at your disposal. The loveydovey 60’s are over, man. Today, it’s gear up or get out.iii

The AR-15 was originally designed as a weapon of war, for man-killing and not for hunting or for target shooting — this is an obvious fact. But this is also true of most popular firearms throughout history, including your grandpa’s lever action hunting rifle.

Given that the world is fundamentally hostile, whether you know it or not, whether you like it or not, whether it agrees with your public school ‘morals’ or not, and whether you think you have a choice, it’s the case that you will know violence in your lifetime. Even if you’re not interested in violence, violence is veeeery interested in you. And no amount of committees nor laws nor overzealous policemen will change this. So a ‘weapon of war’ is exactly what you’re looking for. But do you have one yet ?

I don’t want to shoot and miss; I don’t want the gun to jam because it’s dirty or cold; and I don’t want to hit my target and then have it run off into the woods and die lost and wounded because I didn’t “bring enough gun”. Like my grandpa with his “military-grade” lever action rifle, I want a modern firearm that’s popular (which means parts and training are cheaply and widely available), ergonomic, rugged, accurate, and reliably effective, so that none of the aforementioned bad things happen to me when I’m shooting.

This description of his preferred gun puts Stokes in diametric opposition to the dried up old women who “just want to make the x of y,” ie. spend the rest of their inconsequential lives spinning yarn and trying to make sure that if anyone gets raped has sex, it’s them or no one at all. Because life is boring. And if you didn’t get your son/daughter/niece/nephew into a sticky predicament that was entirely your fault and entirely preventable if you’d just minded your own fucking business and died, you’d have nothing to talk about at bridge on Tuesday nights with Myrtle, Gyrtle, and Shawna. So you stick your nose where it doesn’t belong, pretend with all your pruniness that you matter despite all evidence to the contrary, and weave stories out of sheer incompetence and lies.iv Unfortunately for those of us who want to live and who do actually matter, this isn’t a particularly practical approach. Fortunately, we don’t give a fuck about prunes anyways.

If the AR-15 were a weapon that’s suitable only for indiscriminate, spray-n-pray mass slaughter, then it wouldn’t be so popular with police. There is no conceivable circumstance in which a police officer — not even a SWAT team member — would need to mow down hordes of people. Yet the AR-15 is the “patrol rifle” of choice for modern police departments from Mayberry to Manhattan. And when you understand why police need the AR-15, then you’ll understand yet another reason why I “need” one.

There is no acceptable, no liveable, no tolerable, no just, and no conceivable world in which individuals are denied access to useful itemsv that the state is privy to. Maybe this utopian idea of Great Justice For The People flew in the days before strong encryption – however briefly and however geographically isolatedly – but it now stinks in the sun with a stench so putrid it’d make a skunk puke. Stokes is right, the AR-15 is the de facto choice for SWAT teams the ‘civilised world’ over. So too must it be the de facto choice for freedom fighters over the same area, for the same reasons and in the same ways. Anything less is prunicide.

In a the pre-AR-15 era, if you wanted a gun for shooting little groundhogs, a gun for shooting giant feral hogs, and a gun for home defense, you’d buy three different guns in three different calibers and configurations. With the AR platform, a person with absolutely no gunsmithing expertise can buy one gun and a bunch of accessories, and optimize that gun for the application at hand.

The AR-15 is like the Swiss Army knife, then. You used to have to carry a corkscrew, a nail file, a toothpick, scissors, a knife, a bottle opener, and a can opener. The smartphone works the same way, replacing the digital camera, the pocket calendar, the mobile phone, the calculator, the flashlight, the thermometer, the nudie mag,vi and a whole host of other items besides.

The AR-15’s incredible flexibility, accuracy, and ease-of-use combine with its status as the most thoroughly tested and debugged firearm in military history to make it massively popular with shooters of all stripes, from hunters to home defense buyers to competitors to police. Parts for the AR are available literally everywhere, and the Internet is chock full of maintenance information and training videos.vii

The AR-15 is basically the white man’s AK47. Sweet! Now we’ll have something to shoot back at ISIS with when they invade North America with our own Humvees, drones, and cuckolded soldiers.

The rifle’s popularity is almost certainly the main reason why mass shooters increasingly reach for it when they go on a rampage. Think about it: if you’re planning to shoot up a room full of people, are you going to reach for a rare, exotic weapon that you have little experience with, or will you select the familiar option that’s easy to train with and that you have plenty of practice time behind? The answer, for anybody who shoots, is the latter. When it comes to operating a firearm under pressure — whether it’s the stress of combat or the excitement of competition — familiarity and muscle memory are everything. It is impossible to overstate the degree to which this is true.

Makes perfect sense to me. In the same way I wouldn’t want to play with new golf clubs in a tournament or use an off-the-shelf computer for Bitcoining, I want to trust my tools, to have my fingerprints and wear marks all over them before taking them into battle.

So the “defensive rifle” (as opposed to the “assault rifle”) is a nonsense idea that exists only in the minds of people who know nothing about guns. This being the case, you can’t fault gun owners for not buying or building such a weapon, because that is not a real thing and never will be. An assault rifle is a defense rifle, and a defense rifle is an assault rifle; these two concepts are identical — such is the very nature of armed combat, in which one person is trying to prevent himself from being killed by killing the other guy first. Anyone who “needs” a defense rifle “needs” an assault rifle, because they are the same.

WTF is a ‘defensive rifle’ ??! First I’ve heard of it, but it sounds like dry water, picture books, and secure iMessage, which is to say : chicken clucking in the first degree. That the ninnies and nannies want to make ‘laws’ to ‘fix’ this ‘problem’ of ‘assault rifles’ (which the AR-15 isn’t) only serves as further proof that you can’t have a Nation of Laws, only a Nation of Men.

With that, may you all enjoy a chicken in every pot and an AR-15 under every pillow!

___ ___ ___

  1. Did you know that the rabies virus, which has a single-stranded RNA genome encapsulated by a trimericly spiked envelope, kills within 10 days of initial symptom presentation every single time ? Now you do. []
  2. No matter the cost! []
  3. Even used car dealers are tapping into this trend. On the ‘gear up’ side, that is. []
  4. Examples of such lies include : slavery is bad, rape is bad, racism is bad, men are bad, colonialism is bad, etfc. []
  5. No, an F-35 isn’t useful, nor does it even exist. Though centralisation isn’t without its benefits, that’s another story. []
  6. It’s astonishing to me, but it’s very much the case that men across the ESL world use their smartphones for porn. I mean, what the hell else is your laptop doing but collecting dust ? Make a dedicated device out of it. It’s not like your phone is any more impervious to malware attacks than your phone! []
  7. The AR-15 is also only about 8-9 lbs., is available for $1 – 2k, is accurate at up to 500 yards, can fire bullets at 3`200 feet per second, and can be fitted with magazines capable of storing 100-rounds. So even though it’s still only ‘semi-automatic’ and therefore only fires one bullet per trigger pull, to quote Lil’ Wayne : “That banana clip, let Chiquita speak.” []

7 thoughts on “The case for an AR-15 under every pillow.

  1. Adlai says:

    Clearly dude needs an AK47, unless he feels like using the same piece for hunting game and “self-defense” sprays; but as Bardo the Just reminds us, the secret to life is neither quality, nor quantity, but variety.

    • It’s pretty well established that real thugs rock AKs. At least the pistols. And as The Bard reminds us :

      Heaven is my judge, not I for love and duty,
      But seeming so for my peculiar end.
      For when my outward action doth demonstrate
      The native act and figure of my heart
      In compliment extern, ’tis not long after
      But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve
      For daws to peck at. I am not what I am

  2. […] Basically, should violence so happen to be interested in you, regardless of whether you’re interested in it or not, and quite in spite of whatever pretenses to “civility” you may hold dear and “true,” police officers, teachers, etc. are paid plenty well,iv but they aren’t paid well enough to stick their neck out on the line for you, at least not for any values of you en masse. So if you think for a second that you can delegate the use of force, or anything else for that matter, it’s only a matter of time before you end up on the wrong side of the war. […]

  3. […] Hoppe elides the cold reality that whether or not you’re interested in violence, violence is very interested in you. These “actions” he alludes to may be congenial transactions between two gents wearing […]

  4. […] Krueger ever did to his victims’ faces. Somehow, this is pitched as accessibility rather than violence, but I really can’t see the difference. […]

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