The Not Terribly Definitive Terrorist Self-Evaluation Scale.

Motto : Chick on OkCupid “What kind of work do you do ?” My answer
comes cool-ly: “I manage a terrorist organisation. How about yourself ?”

The following set of questions isn’t quite the definitive tract on the psychological assessment of self-described terrorists freedom fighters, but if this Islamic Statei pamphlet is anything to go by – and I think it’s just thatii – then we have an excellent basis from which to increase our confidence that you are indeed bipolariii a terrorist.

Give yourself 1 point for every “YES” answer and 0 points for every “NO” answer :

Question 1: Do you believe that captured women are suitable spoils of war ?iv
Question 2: Do you believe that captured women are suitable spoils of war because they were on the wrong side of history ?
Question 3: Do you believe that all women on the wrong side of history may be taken captive, regardless of race, colour, or creed ?
Question 4: Do you believe that it is permissible to have intercourse with a female captive ?
Question 5: Do you believe that it is permissible to have intercourse with a female captive immediately after taking possession of her if she is a virgin, and also that you must wait for the results of an STD test before having intercourse with her if she is not a virgin ?
Question 6: Do you believe that it is permissible to sell a female captive?v
Question 7: Do you believe that it is impermissible to separate a captured mother from her children if and only if the children are prepubescent and in her care ?
Question 8: Do you believe that it is impermissible to have intercourse with a female captive if she is jointly owned with another man ?
Question 9: Do you believe that it is impermissible to sell a female captive if she is impregnated by her owner ?
Question 10: Do you believe that a female captive is to be treated as part of a man’s estate like any other piece of his property ?
Question 11: Do you believe that it is impermissible for a man have intercourse with the female slave of another person, even if that other person is his wife, without that other person’s permission ?
Question 12: Do you believe that it is impermissible for a man to kiss the female slave of another person, even if that other person is his wife, without the owner’s permission ?
Question 13: Do you believe that it is permissible to have intercourse with a female slave who is fit for intercourse, as determined by the owner’s own discretion, even if she has not reached puberty ?
Question 14: Do you believe that a female slave’s body must be concealed when out of doors, excepting the head, neck, hands, and feet ?vi
Question 15: Do you believe that a female slave should be prohibited from sexually enticing other men ?vii
Question 16: Do you believe that it is permissible for two sisters be taken together as slaves, but not for them to be together with their owner during intercourse ?
Question 17: Do you believe that the “pull-out method” is ineffective as a means of birth control with a man’s wife, if not just a waste of perfectly good seed ?viii
Question 18: Do you believe that the “pull-out method” is permissible with a man’s female slave with or without her consent ?
Question 19: Do you believe that it is permissible to beat a female slave for the purposes of discipline, but not for the purposes of personal gratification and not in the face ?
Question 20: Do you believe that it is wrong for a female slave to run away from her master ?
Question 21: Do you believe that is it the master’s duty to reprimand a female slave who runs away so as to deter others like her from escaping ?
Question 22: Do you believe that it is impermissible to marry a female slave ?
Question 23: Do you believe that 23 is an unlucky number for a questionnaire ?
Question 24: Do you believe that it is impermissible for a man to have intercourse with his female slave if she is still married to someone else ?
Question 25: Do you believe that female slaves should be punished only half as much as male slaves ?
Question 26: Are you ready for one last question ?
Question 27: Do you think that the reward for freeing a slave girl is its own reward?
Bonus Question: Do you believe in your freedom to use a currency other than that of the nation state in which you currently residence ?

If you scored at least 5 out of a possible 27 (+1) points, or just answered the bonus question in the affirmative, then you, sir, are a terrorist.

Welcome to the club.

___ ___ ___

  1. For more IS from these very pages, see Good morning ISIS and Good afternoon ISIS. []
  2. The questions in said pamphlet and those herebelow share a high degree of similarity, it’s just that this scale keeps the “Allah said so-and-so” and “scholars said such-and-such” firmly to the side, mainly so as not to discriminate against perfectly legitimate but non-Musselmen gentlemen of the terrorist persuasion. []
  3. Do you remember when the whole “Does your child have bipolar ?” fad when it first emerged in the late 1990s and early 2000s ? I have a distinct recollection of a Time Magazine article on the subject, complete with 40-point checklist, of which 20 items needed to be observed in order for the “bipolar” diagnosis threshold to be satisfied. Bemusedly, I went through the list – which even then I knew could only have been a giant inside joke at Big Pharma – only to discover that… aha ! surprise ! I scored a 20/40 and was juuuuust clinically bipolar.

    Obviously, my interest in colouring, painting, and art were the tipping point. If not for that singular affinity for the arts, how different my life might have been…  []

  4. This is in fact the only way to incentivise men to fight for your cause : spoils of war. This must include, but must not limited to, women, lodgings, land, artwork, vehicles, jewelry, furnishings, and weapons. There’s no other way to capture the attention of anyone worth the while. A $50k salary will buy you a poor, maybe even hard-working kid, but no more ; and you need a lot more to win a war.

    Even the orcs at ISIS know this, and they don’t even have Masters degrees from the USC or whatever, like you do. You ever think that maybe that half-decade-plus at post-secondary is holding you back ? []

  5. The going rate for which is $50 – 150 at the moment, depending on age (younger fillies obviously being worth more). Oh, you are worth more than that ? Aha. Well you clearly don’t know the value of a dollar. []
  6. If “YES” then you’re an Ancient Greek ! What, you think the Muslims invented the niqqab/hijab schtick. Hardly. []
  7. If “YES” then you’re just an insecure prude. Loosen the tie. Relax. []
  8. That’s why God created the woman’s face, mouth, and breasts. []

4 thoughts on “The Not Terribly Definitive Terrorist Self-Evaluation Scale.

  1. Adlai says:

    Shit, I failed… Must be a new kid on the block-chain.

  2. […] they must protect their interests and control their message. So the ‘other’ is a ‘terrorist‘ and unflattering news is ‘fake news‘ that ‘never […]

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