How to suck the cock – a guide for half the oral sex, translated.

This article is a translationi of Mircea Popescu’s seminal and very widely readii Cum se suge pula – ghid pentru juma’ de sex oral, and based additionally on a helpful first-pass by nouvelle assette gabrielradio.

First off, I honestly admit that I don’t know how to suck the cock.

Unfortunately, it’s readily apparent that no one else in this countryiii knows how to suck cock either, outside of what I myself imported from abroad, given that if you start searching “how to suck cock,” Google yields a bunch of porn captioned in dubious languages and probably made by foreigners (our [Romanian] people, poor them, they know not of such matters), and if you start searching “oral sex guide,” you’ll find only pernicious garbage, all apparently written by Lorena Lupu (which is quite likely, not in the sense that she herself wrote these article but in the sense that some other similar if indiscernible half-witted chicks did).iv

But let’s not blow this whole “nobody knows how to suck cock” thing out of proportion. Who knows, maybe there some out there who know how but are either illiterate or can’t express it in writing. Or maybe said same fillies are too busy writing about stuff they have no idea how to do. Or maybe they write their blogs offline, in notebooks, so as to not get called out by trollsv who says that they’re just hunting for traffic. And who the fuck knows what other locally specific reasons there may be.

Leaving aside the fact that the troglodyte horde, in 2015 years of multi-millenary history, still has not been able to produce even a modest guide for sucking cock, let’s get to the subject. To the meat, as they say :

I. Sucking cock is an act of submission. No point beating around the bush, that’s what it is and that’s that. As such, at least the first twenty times that you’re sucking some dude’s cock, kindly get down on your knees and unzip his pants. Later on, after you get to know each other (given that you can still stand each other), there’ll be plenty of time for snuggles and more prolonged cock sucking while you play between the sheets. But there’s no rush to get there. At the moment, you’re sucking his cock graciously and on your knees, looking up from time to time with big eyes so that the boor thinks to himself “Damn I’m good, she is actually sucking my cock,” which also happens to be the reason why men think they like to have their cock sucked (though the real reason is below).

II. Sucking cock doesn’t start with the cock. Don’t just mindlessly rush to the shaft, that’s not how it goes ; the cock has to be made hard first. And even if it seems hard,vi it’s not, and if you obediently follow what’s being explained here, you’re going to make it bigger than he’s ever seen, which readily signals your marriageability.vii

Sucking cock starts with the balls, which you gently lick (from the base, which, yes, is that thing near his asshole. And since you’re already there, you might as well give that a lick too, it won’t bite). Then, kiss his balls tenderly, and eventually put them in your mouth, but softly and carefully now, like you’d put your first-born into your mouth (which, in a way…). In any event, don’t be too hasty with them as they’re quite sensitive.

Meanwhile, you’re holding his cock, but fairly softly now, don’t squeeze it as there’s really no reason to. Then, eventually, you start stroking his cock up and down, but very lightly and very slowly as you don’t want him to cum, you just want to suck his cock. There’s a difference.

III. The hard dick retracts its foreskin by itself, but if not, it can be aided by a helping hand. In any event, you know it’s ready for action when a transparent spit flickers atop the urethra, which is the so-called “precum.” Every chica thinks that the precum is the tastiest part, so feel free to have at it without remorse.

Now what you have to understand about sucking the cock is that the cock itself is not an homogenous object but rather a useless rod created for the sole purpose of carrying the tip of the dick as it rubs the pussy. As such, sucking the cock is not about the 3 inches nor even the 23 inches. Speaking of which, I’m reminded of a joke from Oglaf (did you know she’s a girl ?).viii

oglaf-goodbehavior1
So, sucking cock is not about about the 5 nor even the 2`500 inches of cock, though you could, occasionally, caress those other inches with your left hand. Sucking cock is about that single inch where the head is, and ~maybe~ that spot between the balls and the asshole ;ix or alternatively the inside of his ass, but I’m not going to teach you about such unorthodoxy and obscenity here, we’re respectable people with families over here.x

IV. The most important thing you can do with the cock is to lick it.xi Yes, you read that right : you take it nicely into your mouth and… lick it. With your tongue. Pay close attention to the area around the frenulum (popularly known as “the thread”) because that’s where the cock’s the most sensitive, and also pay close attention to the bevel around the edges. The tongue is a strong muscle, so if you’re up for a power clash, you can press confidently against the pad of the cock – it won’t mind. In any event, be extremely mindful not to include your teeth in the whole shebang. There are guys who enjoy it, but that’s uncommon, it’s a safer bet to open the mouth wide and hold the cock between your lips, after which you just have to lick it.

Now lick it slowly and not too tight. Stimulating it thusly is insufficient to cause the man to orgasm… that’d be positively feminine. In case you were wondering, there’s a reason why women generally orgasm in that specific way, like a tide that’s rising from within them ; the reason is that oral orgasms (generally called “clitoral orgasms”) rise slowly until their explosive climax. I mentioned earlier about the reason that men think they like having their cock sucked was about submission and such but the real reason is this : variety is the mother of all happiness,xii and an orgasm in the mouth of a skilled woman is fundamentally different than an orgasm in the vagina of said same skilled woman. As such… yea.

V. The most difficult thing you can do with the cock is to swallow it whole. It’s not easy, it requires both calmness and some practice, and even still not everyone’s capable of the whole deepthroat thing – swallowing the cock in its entirety, that is. It’s not really that difficult : for practice (so as to not frustrate the man, he’ll become eager and you’ll risk him becoming impatient with you) you can swallow whole bananas.xiii Don’t worry, you won’t die from it. You just nicely swallow the banana and then try to regurgitate it. If you don’t succeed the first time, fear not, you can have another go at it tomorrow, and so on and so forth until you reach the level of a monkey, at which point you’ll be able to deepthroat just fine.

All of which gives a much better simulation of the part of the cock we’re trying to figure out, and can’t otherwise. But this is apparently something that makes men happy, so it’s worth the effort, but it’s not an absolutely essential component of oral sex.

VI. If you don’t like the taste of cum then your mother was too dumb to raise you properly. Go to whatever club, and with a banner around your neck saying “blowjob jukebox,” suck every dude dry until you’re more acquainted with taste of cum. Yes, it exists, practiced chicks love cum, and those that “oh but I don’t swallow ’cause I don’t like it” are simply ignorant of the world around them, but as a palliative measure you can always take the load on your face, neck, tits, etc. until you learn to appreciate its true value. (Almost) nobody will mind.xiv

That’s just about the whole story then, and in one fell swoop we’ve also discovered how to lick the pussy because it turns out that it’s done quite similarly, which is perhaps unsurprising given that they’re the same biological organ.

And with that, I dearly wish you many a happy fondling !

___ ___ ___

  1. That is, this is an adnotated translation with a healthy dose of my own pen’s clarification, re-iteration, and even expansion for the English-speaking audience. Not pure enough for you ? Too bad. So save the one “original footnote,” the rest are of my hand. []
  2. Month in and month out, this is the 2nd-most-read Trilema article. Period.

    For perspective, Trilema is 20x more regularly frequented than Contravex, though MP’s published 15x as many articles in only 4x as long, so there’s that. And in case you were wondering, Contravex’s 2nd-most-read article this year is Consumerism: The Great Equalizer – The Legacy of the French Revolution. The first is A Guide To Buying 5000 Ether/Bitcoin, 2.5x More Than Ethereum’s Genesis Sale Offers. []

  3. MP is here referring to Romania, where he grew up and lived at the time this article was penned in 2012. MP likes to paint Romania as a cultural backwater, but in many ways it’s no worse than Canada in this regard while being markedly clearer about its heritage. Canada, you see, has a great many delusions about the “poor Indians who were pushed off their land” and as such wallows in a self-flagellating “land of inclusivity” – which is to say, a train station – that remains today as some sort of soi-dissant international beacon of hope and opportunity.

    Now I won’t deny that this country has served my family well, my mother having herself come from Romania in the early 60’s, but 50-odd-years-ago the expectation was that new immigrants would conform to the existing sociopolitical structure or else starve to death, whereas now they’re encouraged to bring their tribal braindamage along with them and to form exclusive communities within the existing ones, resulting in, no, not a “cultural mosaic” but rather something akin to cultural swiss cheese. As someone who enjoys swiss cheese just fine when it comes from cow’s milk, it does make for a tricky cultural proposition, one of debatable, if not entirely refutable, merit and value. []

  4. Three-and-a-half years on and in the ESL world, the state of affairs isn’t nearly as pitiful, but the codification and clarification of processes is still as critical to a life well-lived as it ever was. So let’s keep moving. []
  5. Don’t hate the trolls, thank them ! []
  6. Original footnote : Thinking in terms of “hard” / “soft” is stupid. The cock has levels of hardness and I’m willing to wager that out of all the cocks that you’ve seen by this point, you’ve seen the maximum level of hardness a total a zero times. []
  7. Have you ever been so unconquerably, so mystically hard that, crescendoing from rock-hard to what-in-the-fuck to literally-superhuman-adamantium, you made her burst into giggles with glee as you came like a Saturn V at the third and final of its serial booster stages ? Well, it’s a thing. In fact, it’s a thing so extraordinarily magical that you might even find yourself giggling with glee in response. Imagine that ! []
  8. I did not ! []
  9. A.k.a. the “ginch” or the “grundle.” []
  10. So we are ! []
  11. Arguably, the most important thing you can do is use copious amounts of spit, but that’s just my two cents. []
  12. This is certainly true sexually, but my girls and I have an inside joke that “routine is the spice of life.” It can reasonably be said that a certain amount of daily routine provides an enjoyable amount of tension that’s a true pleasure to uncork. []
  13. Or better yet, spend $30 or $40 and buy yourself a decent dildo. []
  14. I’m in the camp of seeing deepthroating as being sine qua none to a proper blowjob more readily than swallowing, but to each his own. []

6 thoughts on “How to suck the cock – a guide for half the oral sex, translated.

  1. Mitchell says:

    Bahaha, I’m so glad you translated this one! Google Translate did not do it justice. Thanks Pete.

    • Teamwork is a hell of a thing.

    • brendafdez says:

      I worry that the day most of the articles are properly translated, there will be much less incentive to learn the language. Maybe we should even start a campaign like “Save Romanian, don’t translate Trilema”. :D

      Now really, there’s a huge leap forward in readability compared to the previous translations on Contravex. Those were barely edible, but this one, one can really enjoy tasting.

    • Cultures, of which languages form an essential component, must compete for their survival like anything else good in this world. As such, pandering to the weakest serves no one in the long-run and costs everyone a great deal in the meantime. So I’m going to throw Romanian a bone like I’m going to throw Gavin a bone. “Save XT, don’t use Bitcoin.” Mkay. Turns out that no one actually cared about Romanian, it’s just the language that MP happened to write his first 4k articles in. So here we are, sorting the lemma from the palea and trying to make sense of it all. Just as we would be had he written in Swahili.

  2. […] my thumbs and waiting for random chica to descend from on high ready and willing with pan-european blowjobs. Right. […]

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