A little bit of local research.

It can be hard to resist the temptation to push as the soft underbelly of libertards and their gaytastic media ventures sometimes.i

Now, I have a sneaking suspicion that the following advertisement proposal, which I just e-mailed to the advertising editor of Metro News Edmonton, will be deemed “inappropriate,” because reasons, namely the unspeakably unfair proposition that any independent modern woman would want a man to take care of her, particularly since the editor in question is statistically likely to be a female with a post-secondary “social sciences” “education” herself ! I mean, how passé must this ad look to her !!

In any event, the worst case scenario is that the proposal passes the expected political correctness of the censors, the spot’s reasonably priced,ii and I run the ad for a week just to see how many cute single educatediii girls really do want to be taken care of. I suspect that it’s more than a few, which really makes me wonder if there’s any government dole available for this kind of self-evident “controversial” anthropological research.

From : Imso Ronery
To : adinfoedmonton@metronews.ca
Subject : New Advertisement

To Whom It May Concern :

The advertisement found on the bottom of page 27 of your August 12, 2015 issue (attached)iv has inspired me to publish a similar one for myself. I’ve been looking for love for some time now and I’m hoping that your publication will bring my search to a wider audience and hopefully put me in touch with the future love of my life. As such, I’m interested in creating a very similar advertisement with the following text (and with the picture of my ideal lover-to-be, also attached)v :

Header : Single Straight Woman ?
Bullet points : 1) Are you done with the daily grind ? 2) Do you want to live your life to the fullest ?
Body : Young successful businessman seeks an open-minded young woman for companionship – one who enjoys an active lifestyles, loves travel, and wants to experience life to the fullest.

Will take care of you, support you, and help you chase your dreams.vi

Please reply by e-mail to im_so_ronery@yahoo.com

Footer : Must be: 18-25, single, educated, non-smoker, athletic build, clean cut. Interests: Ice cream, movies/theatre, sports, biking, yoga, reading, travel.

That’s it! Please let me know what this advertisement would cost for a one week run.

Thank you kindly,
Imso

Simple enough, really. And yes, I do seem to be on some kind of troll roll of late.

___ ___ ___

  1. In this case, I’m poking and prodding Metro News Edmonton, a free printed daily newspaper, one of 67 such publications in the company’s portfolio, which spans Europe, Asia, and the Americas. []
  2. The rag claims “1.6 million readers daily” across Halifax, Montreal, Ottawa, Toronto, Winnipeg, Calgary, Edmonton and Vancouver. Edmonton is pretty much smack dab in the middle of the cities represented in terms of population and regional clout, though who the fuck knows about relative readership, so let’s say that 200`000 readers pick up Metro News Edmonton on any given day, give or take 50%.

    Now there’s no particularly sound reason to pay more for print than for geotargeted online advertising, which was selling for ~$3 CPM three years ago. Additionally, given that ‘CPM’ as a metric was already on its way out the door at that time, to be replaced by ‘CPC,’ and that prices have necessarily come down since then as readers have become that much savvier to the games and tricks of advertisers, paying more than $50 per day for this particular spot is a bit much to ask, even though I fully expect to be hit with a $200 – 300 per day quote. If my e-mail garners any response whatsoever, that is. []

  3. “Educated” is one of the two key criteria tucked into this advertisement. While I agree that it’s far from impossible to find applicants who are “uneducated” “lower-class” girls with the street smarts and life experience to know a good deal when they see one, this ad aims, perhaps naively, to provide an olive branch to the middle- and upper-class girls who can’t stand the charade and pretense anymore. I mean, what’s so great about independence anyways ?

    Also, you’ll observe that “educated” is left for the reader to define. Though in a day and age where four years of college gets you a job at Wendy’s at a marketing agency, does the girl with the high school diploma dare respond any more than the girl with the climate sciences PhD ? Albeit for very different reasons. []

  4. single gay man ad []
  5. Beauty-queen-of-1950s-Betty-Brosmer-born-August-2-1935 []
  6. Of the girls that I personally know, none of the ones in the 18-25 age range would ever admit to wanting to be taken care of anymore than they’d admit to wanting to be publicly urinated upon in the courtyard of city hall. As they near 30, however, they change their tune as they enter their later childrearing years. By then, sadly, it can be too late for them to compete with fresh-faced 23-year-olds.

    If this ad passes the editor’s smell test, I’d be genuinely interested to see how many young ladies can swallow their wholly imagined pride and discard their silly pieces of diploma mill paper at so young an age. []

5 thoughts on “A little bit of local research.

  1. […] I’ve reviewed some plays, discussed some local politics, and trolled some local media publications, but I think you’ll agree that the perspective garnered from a single shopping experience is […]

  2. gipper says:

    I’m seeing the original “single gay man” ads again, so can we assume that the female-fishing experiment ended? So what were the results?

    • Much like the Tikrit Offensive and the DAO hack, my advertising offer “never happened and even if it did it didn’t count and doesn’t matter because the Great Buddha of Diyarbakır said so.” Pretty much par for the course whether you’re dealing with USG.METRONEWS or USG.ARMY or USG.MIT. Other avenues are currently under investigation.

  3. […] expect to be my one and only. Granted, perhaps “Seeking Arrangements” or the local classifieds would’ve been a better place to dangle the “well-to-do” bait. […]

  4. […] the position as little more than a dating platform, you’ll recall the rag for their earlier racism. […]

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