Space travel isn’t for you. There are no virgins there either.

You think that traveling on earth is fraught with challenges ? You think that being mugged and having your passport stolen is the worst of all possible outcomes ? You think that sleeping on the lawn outside of your nation’s embassy until it re-opens after the holiday is a tall tale your grandkids simply won’t believe ?

Did you also watch too much Star Trek growing up, imagining yourself aboard the Enterprise, sitting in the bar playing a three-dimensional chess game with Whoopi Goldberg ? Or have you guzzled so many gallons of Elon Musk’s puppet-jizm that you imagine yourself boarding a SpaceX shuttle to Mars sometime in the next decade, and in doing so becoming an interplanetary pioneer who will go down in history alongside the European greats like Cortez and Columbus for your establishment of post-apocalyptic earth settlements ? i

Colour me unimpressed with your fancies and fantasies. Space travel – the exploration of life beyond terra firma – isn’t for you. Quite simply, it’s too hard and you suck too much. As Charles Fishman recounts :

The procedure to get into the space suits and out the hatch is a 400-step checklist. And you don’t want to skip too many of those steps.” Four hundred steps, just to get one astronaut ready to float into the station’s air lock and prepare to egress.

You think it’s all bubblegum, blowjobs, and backrubs up there eh ? Nuh-uh. Not a chance. Four-hundred steps just to put on a space suit when you can’t handle 10 steps to make a paper wallet or create and register a PGP key ? Seriously. Space is obscenely, impossibly, literally nauseatingly demanding even for the most well-educated, physically fit, and mentally disciplined pilots-cum-PhDs-cum-astronauts,ii nevermind the usual raft of johnny-come-latelys.

Space is for adults and its human exploration is by adults. This is true all the way down to the software used in the shuttle.iii

Kinda like Bitcoin, y’know ? What with our lack of physical territory, our ability to jump from cloud to cloud to cloud, barely touching our feet to the verdant fields and miresome muck below, and our sky-high barriers to entry. How very unfair, wouldn’t you say ?

___ ___ ___

  1. Oh, you need to escape planet earth because your life here is no fun and global shwarming is hiding under your bed at night ready to flood all the coastal cities and dry up all the fresh water lakes ? Too bad!1

    This is the only planet you’ve got and the only life you’ve got on it. There are no virgins waiting for you in socialist space heaven. So carpe diem or step aside, yo. []

  2. For an easy read on the subject, I recommend you pick up Chris Hadfield’s book An Astronaut’s Guide to Life on Earth: What Going to Space Taught Me About Ingenuity, Determination, and Being Prepared for Anything. []
  3. Check out this other Fishman piece from 1996/1997, in which he spells out the stringency of software that just has to work :

    Its the world made famous, romantic, even inevitable by stories out of Sun Microsystems, Microsoft, and Netscape. It’s not the story of the on-board shuttle group. Their quarters are a study in white-collar pedestrian. The most striking thing is how ordinary they look. Other than the occasional bit of shuttle memorabilia, you could be in the offices of any small company or government agency. Everyone has his or her own small office, and the offices have desks, PCs, and sparse personal artifacts. People wear moderately dressy clothes to work, neat but nothing flashy, certainly nothing grungy.

    It’s strictly an 8-to-5 kind of place — there are late nights, but they’re the exception. The programmers are intense, but low-key. Many of them have put in years of work either for IBM (which owned the shuttle group until 1994), or directly on the shuttle software. They’re adults, with spouses and kids and lives beyond their remarkable software program.

    That’s the culture: the on-board shuttle group produces grown-up software, and the way they do it is by being grown-ups. It may not be sexy, it may not be a coding ego-trip — but it is the future of software. When you’re ready to take the next step — when you have to write perfect software instead of software that’s just good enough — then it’s time to grow up.

    “Most people choose to spend their money at the wrong end of the process,” says Munson. “In the modern software environment, 80% of the cost of the software is spent after the software is written the first time — they don’t get it right the first time, so they spend time flogging it. In shuttle, they do it right the first time. And they don’t change the software without changing the blueprint. That’s why their software is so perfect.”

    The paradigmatic torch carried by NASA for that singular and singularly glorious generation will henceforth be carried forward by Bitcoin, The Most Serene Republic Of~. Like all good things, really.

    Besides, software isn’t supposed to fail, that’s socialism’s job. []

23 thoughts on “Space travel isn’t for you. There are no virgins there either.

  1. funkenstein says:

    Thanks, OK, time for us to grow up then!
    I’m unsure as to why the sexually inexperienced appear in your title. A reference to most famous Koranic mistranslation? Or some B movie perhaps? Or is it a “let captain kirk go where no man has gone before” thing? Space is like virgins because, one does not explore either for a good blowjob? :D

    • Are virgins per difinitio “sexually inexperienced” ? If so, sucks to be those suicide bombers ! Here’s hoping that vaginal virginity doth not preclude oral and even anal adventures. Hell, does “soaking” count ?

      Also, Koranic mistranslation ?? Are you referring to Luxenberg’s raisins or some variant of Mother Mary “young girl cum miracle” all over again ?

    • I’m not really seeing the “mistranslation” here. The only possible avenue to misunderstanding is that illiterate Westerners think of “virgin” exclusively in terms of sex – so deprived and constrained are they by their institutional mores that it’s the only thing left on their poor minds – from which they might construct all sorts of “miracles” and consequent divinations with which to rationalise their insanities.

      Houri, it’s fair to say, isn’t merely sexual and includes young women of “purity” as well as “whiteness” (y’know, just in case their was any question as to the superiority and advancement of certain cultures over others, though the degree of skin pigmentation might reasonably be seen as more of an effect than an immediate cause). This, to my eye, would also speak to the houri’s polite, obedient, and dignified behaviour as much as their physical appearance. Sounds perfectly lovely really, which is exactly the point of the article.

      Space sounds perfectly lovely when you dress it up as some exquisite nude perfection, ready and willing to be dominated. In fact, it’s nothing of the sort, just a shiny distraction for the USian plebes so they don’t take notice of the fact that they live in debt and squalor beyond that of even the most ‘uncivilised’ nations on earth. Space is the puritanical-secular-american version of houri.

  2. funkenstein says:

    Ah thanks, I think I am seeing your point more clearly now. Yes, such illiterate westerners as you describe, might imagine suicide bombers seek the sexually inexperienced, or that we could say “fuck life support, we can always abandon ship”. They do sign up in droves for potential 1 way trips to Mars. And make some pretty strange alien themed porn movies. Go figure.

    Being an illiterate westerner myself on the topic of Semitic languages I am unqualified to comment further on the Houri. Tenuous plasmas of interplanetary space have been described as life-like but.. “Houston come in.. they ain’t got no tits!” :)

  3. […] can you be when you say “NO” to opportunities !!!1 The fucking thoughtless excused for utopian thinking this movie quietly promotes. Just nuts. […]

  4. […] cannot under any circumstances, in any manner whatsoever for as long as you’re confined to this planet, have everything all the time. That’s why socialism doesn’t work no matter how nice it […]

  5. […] near the stuff. Can you imagine if NASA let malevolent moles like Gavin and Hearn anywhere near a space shuttle ? The Columbia disaster would look like a day at the beach in comparison. […]

  6. […] Valhalla is achieved and everyone has had their fill of space virgins, we, your elected representatives, intend to give the power granted to us by the people, not stolen […]

  7. […] the USG, that most despicable contemporary cancer, and its Apollo space missions, or better yet, its microprocessor that allow you to watch YouTube, play videogames, and keep up […]

  8. […] little older and a little cultier, I’ve now given up on the fantasy of space colonisation. Despite a childhood filled with Clarke, Asimov, Heinlein, and Adams, I now see that humanity is […]

  9. […] went soft – have absolutely skyrocketed in the last 5 years. I’m talking blast-off to space virgin island here. Like “send me a postcard from the moon” territory. Prices for air-cooled Porsches […]

  10. […] I wish my parents weren’t poor, or that I even comprehended just how poor they really were. Maybe if I wasn’t so dumb and lazy, even though this is no fault of my own, I’d work harder to improve my abilities instead of wishing for lottery tickets and space virgins. […]

  11. […] – so too do ultra-high-end sports cars,i breathe the same rarefied air. This isn’t space shuttle air, granted, but supercars are no doubt an intoxicating result of highly centralised manufacturing […]

  12. […] prevail, it must because reasons!, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be alive to see it. Heaven‘s only a day away, right Annie ? […]

  13. Gill Bates says:

    Thx!!!

    Got expensive BSD running on my 'tosh. Will prolly meetup with somebody irl or irc. Gotta get my satoshi's on, though I had about 6000, and the damn things got stoled. That was ok, they weren't mined anyhoo, they belonged to 21.co scammies, and they did not want me to "pretend to be someone famous". LOL. I didn't do dat. I honestly filled out the profile, and being a crypto anarcho nerdy a-hole apparently sounded too much like him.

  14. Gill Bates says:

    @peted I’m pretty sure I gained something. I will grok in fullness once I have read every line of code and blog. Code is god. Docs are wrong. I’m a dirty spammer.

  15. Gill Bates says:

    Hey Pete,
    If you would like to send a message up the hill to MP, i wouldst be happy to request a chat re: the future of me and BC. I’m mainly wanting the most lulz possible, and have thought of several alternatives. One is of course get as much BC via “mine”ing, the other is totally tempting, like trying to play Sampson, and seeing if it is possible to upset the money changers table in the temple of holy screaming bit bytes. I gave him my both of my numbers on the /s/d/l/Eudora logs. He will prolly know who I am, since I came right out and said it.
    Cheers,
    Gill Bates.

  16. […] have access to eBay curio. The point being, it’s either or. Tertium non datur, except perhaps in heaven. […]

  17. […] After all, “the science is settled” on everything else and all there is left to do is dream of colonising distant planets from the comfort of your little (and I do mean little) bedroom, so why not shoot for the moon ? If […]

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