Last night’s Superbowl XLIX, hosted by the fine citizens of Glendale, Arizonai and contested by the New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks, was apparently the first, biggest, best ever. Shocker, I know.ii
And while I couldn’t really be bothered to watch the game itself,iii while I was leaving the health club I couldn’t help but notice Katy Perry’s halftime show playing in the locker room.
Interested to see what tricks she had up her sleeve, I gave her a few minutes of my time and an opportunity to surprise me. The Lenny Kravitz duet was pretty lame and not nearly sexed up enough, the Missy Elliot duet was similarly restrained, and even Ms. Perry’s flying 30′ above the stage on a shooting star was kind of a yawn. But then, something quite out of the ordinary happened.
Two awkwardly dancing guys in shark costumes made a mockery of themselves in front of millions of viewers, and in that instant, the NFL trolled itself in one of the most blatant displays of meta-retardation I’ve ever seen.
In that moment, the once-glorious United States of America became so divorced from reality, so victimised by repeated ridicule from every corner of the globe, that it was forced to ham it up like some self-deprecating street nigger in the hopes that no one would notice it was so abjectly broke and so irreparably stupid.
In that instant, the transparency of their vain attempt for social media “relevancy” (as seen above in today’s entirely predictable Buzzfeed page), the only form of relevancy still accessible to American institutions even though such a thing is in no way possible and can never possibly represent a manifestation of power,iv was as crystal clear as a Hawaiian sunset in late July.
So that’s that, basically. The line has been crossed. The meta-shark has been meta-jumped by guys meta-dancing on TV in still-more-meta-shark costumes on America’s grandest meta-stage.
Are you also starting to see that the western world has a bit of a meta-problem? A disease perhaps? Dare we even call it a cancer, one henceforth known as meta-metastasis?
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- And by “fine,” I mean “impoverished by swindlers singing ‘Monorail, Monorail, Monorail!’ and forever fucked.” [↩]
- Inflation in food prices, art prices, stock markets, movie sales, hey, how could our old friend anti-deflation not peek his head into the house of football? [↩]
- Given the choice between getting sweaty for an hour or two and staring at a screen getting eye-raped with ads for iPad games and glue (literally, there were multi-million “dollar” ads for these things. I wish I were kidding), I’ll always take the huffing and puffing. [↩]
- Just ask Gavin “30% of my mom’s friends support a fork” Andresen and those guys over at blockchain.info. [↩]