As an athletei and pear,ii I’ve been a staunch adherent of boxer-briefs and tight-fitting clothing for at least the last 15 years. But no longer! Starting last month, the “beans” of frank-and-beans fame a.k.a. the “potatoes” of the proverbial carrot-and-potatoes pairing, finally expressed their most vociferous discontent in no uncertain terms: give us freedom or give us death!
No doubt related to the groin pull that’s had me down of late,iii my dearly beloved right nut hasn’t been the happiest camper. Thankfully, the remedy has been quite straightforward: ditch the stalwart Jockeyiv boxer-briefs for straight-up Jockey boxers,v and ditch my faithful Uniqlo skinny jeans and Lulu ABC pants for my far more expressive Margiela track pants, Gucci sweats, and size-zips from my alma mater‘s athletic team. What can I say, it’s an evolution.vi
Thankfully, the timing for such an evolution couldn’t be better. That we now live in a Zoom call era where I can dress like an athleisure bum 99.999% of the time instead of just 90% of the time is a blessing in disguise for my little hebrew hammer. What a time to be alive.vii
What a time to be free!
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- Badminton and golf mostly, both of which benefit from and encourage a disproportionately strong lower body, which is exactly what I’ve been blessed with. That I’m now transitioning to motorsports befits my advancing age and in no way contradicts my blessings, physical or otherwise. ↩
- The “pear” body shape is distinguished by its relatively narrow shoulders and relatively wide hips. That my wingspan is still 190cm despite my narrow shoulders and 185cm height only adds to the pear-like effect because my fingertips damn near touch my knees when I’m standing!
But it was about 15 years ago that I figured out how to counter the pear’s inherently awkward silhouette by wearing tighter pants, which in turn necessitated tighter undies, and so that’s basically been my game plan since then, and it’s worked just fine until now. But that freedom is now demanded and the new modernism is afoot, the old 50-50 mix of looser clothes to tighter clothes is going to 99-1 and that’s that. ↩
- I’m still working with my physician to rule out anything more serious. While I’m assuming that it’s nothing for now, won’t I have egg on my face if this is my undoing! Not quite a peanut allergy, but death by nut all the same! ↩
- Why other companies make men’s underwear is a mystery to me. Jockey has that shit on lock. That being said, there’s no life without experimentation, so I have a pair of Saxx Ultra Free Agent boxers on order. We’ll see if they can compete with the old guard. ↩
- Still elasticised polyester blends, still dark colours, because who the fuck wants to see overstretched white cotton stained yellow/brown? Does anything else scream “old man”? Blech. ↩
- I’ve also been eyeing up some cashmere lounge pants. Wouldn’t that be indulgent? If really no different than regal and curial robes:
When evening comes, I return to my home, and I go into my study; and on the thresh-hold, I take off my everyday clothes, which are covered in mud and mire, and I put on regal and curial robes; and dressed in a more appropriate manner I enter into the ancient courts of ancient men and am welcomed by them kindly, and there I taste the food that alone is mine, and for which I was born; and there I am not ashamed to speak to them, to ask them the reasons for their actions; and they, in their humanity, answer me; and for four hours I feel no boredom,I dismiss every affliction, I no longer fear poverty nor do I tremble at the thought of death; I become completely part of them.
~Niccolò Machiavelli (1469-1527) ↩
- It’s also good to keep in mind that, if we ever get another ingrown toenail, as I did frequently as a teen, that Yeezy Slides exist now! ↩