#needalittleJohnsoninmylife. Adnotated.

From the personal classifieds somewhere in the dank backwaters of Middle America (ie. Real America) :

Seeking Strong, Sane Leader – mw4mwⁱ (North America) 

body: bigⁱⁱ
status: divorcedⁱⁱⁱ

I never considered myself to be the kind of person to do this,^iv but with everything going on in my life, I just needed to get out there and do me.^v

I’m an older, but young spirited individual.^vi I’ve been in a few bad relationships with questionable men, so I’m considering branching out.^vii I lean toward conservative ideals, but I am open to liberal interpretation.^viii I prefer to stay away from drama, but it always seems to find me.^ix

I have to admit, I like to be the center of attention, but that’s only because I’m kind of the best and deserve the same.^x Lately only weirdos and scam artists seem to find me.^xi

Recently, I found myself caught in a tug of war between my ex’s wife (double dipping and still can’t figure out email smh)^xii and this loser corporate guy (fake hair, ew, but thick pocket so what can I say?)^xiii I know it was wrong, but it’s not like anyone else has put themselves forward lately.

A lot of people think I’m racist, but it’s just because my family is so openly torn^xiv and loud. I cannot even deal lately, but I’m overall a good entity,^xv so I try to help where I can. Getting kind of spread thin, and I’m a little broke now. (Treated my friends and family one too many times).^xvi

I need some serious help. I know that. It’s why I’m reaching out. I just need a strong, leader type^xvii who won’t go psycho over the stuff my exes did. I learned from their mistakes. Why can’t new people??

I need someone to help control my spending, but not exactly cut off all the projects I’ve started.^xviii A lot of good people depend on them. I know some still take advantage, but open hand can receive more than a closed one. You know?^xix

I also need some help with some old college buddies. I invested in a few things I probably shouldn’t have,^xx and I am unsure how to recover my resources at this point. Like, they’re still my friends and stuff, so how do I deal?^xxi

A lot of my friends say I should just stay single for a while and find myself, but like I said, I’m older and don’t have that luxury. If you think you can help just know you need to be at least 35 years old, a natural born citizen, and lived in the US for at least the last 14 years.^xxii

#needalittleJohnsoninmylife^xxiii

Can you believe it’s only been 25 years since the Great Soviet Torch of Self-Serving Stupidity hopped, skipped, and jumped its way across the Bering Straight to the Americas ? Feels like yesterday.

___ ___ ___

1. According to our knowledgable friends over at Urban Dictionary, “mw4mw” mean “man-woman-for-man-woman” as in a hetero couple looking to hook-up with another hetero couple. So… ya. Anyways, it’ll soon become clear that buddy here is flying solo, that he swings possibly every way there is, and that he’s not a terribly convincing switch. ↩
2. One can’t help but wonder – in a mayogendered soceity par excellence where cornycorncorn gumdrops fall from the sky as if it were cornem et circenses all along – just exactly how much of a fucking donutwhale someone who calls themselves “big” really is. ↩
3. But for how much longer ? ↩
4. If anything goes to show why idjits have no business in business, or in politics, or in anything else of import besides, it’s this : they haven’t the faintest clue who the hell they are. Nor could or should they. Eating grass and chewing cud is a full-time occupation, you see, so please don’t disturb them with letters without also teaching them what words mean – it’s no service to anyone.

   Not that we don’t all surprise ourselves now and again, but what you surprise yourself with is the mark of a man. An Eames lounge chair ? Ok, so you’re married and have some taste. A dominatrix ? You’re just married. ↩

5. “Do me” ? Like Elliot the born-perfect ? trinque was right, shit’s pervasive. ↩
6. So you’re neotenic, pussitronic, juvenile, and otherwise worthless, and yet also too old to re-mold ? Win. ↩
7. Into women ? Into orgies ? ↩
8. So much for the “all conservatives are pro patriarchal nuclear fambly” meme. Mr. Branch Out over here is the exception that disproves the rule. ↩
9. This is like saying “I prefer to stay away from cheetos but they always seem to find me.” Well no shit! You go to the grocery and walk down the aisle marked “Chips” and you honestly wonder what kind of fucking karmic injustice the gods have smotten you with ? Please. You’re a failure. It’s just how it is.

   Except of course “you can do anything” right ? Just as long as “anything” != cheeto injustice. ↩

10. For the umpteenth time and until I’m hoarse in the throat, YOU DESERVE WHAT YOU GET. Nothing more. Now I’m not saying it’s your fault by any means – causation is too opaque a lens to make such authoritative claims – but if you’re the best, you still get the best! If your life’s a miserable pile of suck so high that you wake up and can’t even see your way back to bed the same night, I’m sorry but it’s what you deserve, at least to the extent that anyone deserves anything at all, of which I’m altogether skeptical.

    So as much as we live in a time of prosperity and plenty, actual goodness is scarce, deserved, and curiously enough magnetically attracted to other goodness. Come to think of it, this is basically what underpins the gossipd model. Neat eh.↩

11. As only happens to the best, obv. Except not, obv! The actual best fend of scammers left, right and centre. Fuck, we scam ’em back. ↩
12. Eh, as much as I love e-mail, and I sincerely do despite its foibles, it’s not for everyone. While the extreme laggards still haven’t boarded the train, the vanguard is already putting email to the flame. ↩
13. “I’m not a loser because I’m ME and I DESERVE THINGS! But that wealthy and successful gentleman over there whom I’m unfit even to shine the shoes of… HE’S the loser. Not me mkay ? Mkay ?”

    Right…  ↩

14. A family that’s openly torn ?? What, like a bag of chips ?! ↩
15. An “entity” is a thing with a distinct and independent existence, meaning that one is of independent means and faculties – a bar so high I’m not even sure the fabled “1%” all have it – so excuse me for not swallowing Mr. Real America’s claims. Furthermore, a “good entity” would be the same but additionally benevolent or magnanimous to some notable degree. Broke ass “big boned” trailer trash living in Middle America cannot possibly be either entities nor be good. For as long as words mean things and physics work by natural laws, applying labels to yourself in an exceedingly flattering way doesn’t change a damn thing. What is this, North Korea ? Not last time Einstein checked.

    Speaking of that old yid, you ever hear the one (likely apocryphally) attributed to him ?

    Does evil exist?

    The university professor challenged his students with this question. Did God create everything that exists? A student bravely replied, “Yes, he did!”

    “God created everything? The professor asked.

    “Yes sir”, the student replied.

    The professor answered, “If God created everything, then God created evil since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are then God is evil”. The student became quiet before such an answer. The professor was quite pleased with himself and boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.

    Another student raised his hand and said, “Can I ask you a question professor?”

    “Of course”, replied the professor.

    The student stood up and asked, “Professor, does cold exist?”

    “What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?” The students snickered at the young man’s question.

    The young man replied, “In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460 degrees F) is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat.”

    The student continued, “Professor, does darkness exist?”

    The professor responded, “Of course it does.”

    The student replied, “Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton’s prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn’t this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present.”

    Finally the young man asked the professor, “Sir, does evil exist?”

    Now uncertain, the professor responded, “Of course as I have already said. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man’s inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.”

    To this the student replied, “Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is not like faith, or love that exist just as does light and heat. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God’s love present in his heart. It’s like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light.”

    The professor sat down.

    So if you see a particularly cold office full of particularly soulless bureaucratic drones, don’t be shy about warming them up with a little bonfire. Y’know, the Reichstag kind. How else to bring light to the darkness ?

    ↩

16. You’d swear this guy was a black rapper or athlete the way he mismanages his finances. Seriously, who the fuck else feels compelled to showboat so hard they’re in debt ?! Showboat when you have a couple mil in the bank, son, and until then shut up and keep your head down. ↩
17. If all else fails Fatty McGee here, there’s always voting for Trump, a proposition of some attractiveness. ↩
18. “I need someone to tell me what to do and be my massah but not completely because I’M A GOOD ENTITY U GUISE. Fatlogic, what can I tell you. ↩
19. No, I don’t know. No one knows what kind of dumb mishaped marbles you have rolling around in your empty skull and pretending you’er Socrates because you guzzled hemlock will fool exactly nobody. But nice try. ↩
20. Gotta love the wallet inspectors you know from college. You can just imagine the lot of ’em scammers gathering ’round the yearbook picking out rubes like jimbo here. Deserve the best my foot! ↩
21. You don’t deal. The confidence men are unequivocally not you’re friends. But if you still want to be able to call guys you see with some regularity “your friends” without them rolling their eyes to your face then you’ll keep paying the danegelt. The alternatives are too painful. ↩
22. Male ? Female ? Maybe doesn’t matter just so long as you can put up with Hashtag McFartWhistle long enough to slap the $15 cheeseburger out of his paws, not to mention tearing up the $500 cheques to his “friends” for “projects.” GLHF.↩
23. Maybe he’s looking for a girl with the surname Johnson ? ↩