Ask around and you’ll discover that there are a great many types of life insurance available. But there are some you won’t hear about anywhere but here.
Your local broker will gladly inform you that there are plans suited for parents, preachers, business owners, women, poorfags, rich folk, queers, and very small rocks, and that it’s simply a matter of filling out her customised profile questionnaire to determine which category you, good sir, fall into. Some of the resulting plans will be pitched as investments,i some as smelling better than a dozen roses, and still others as a convenient manner in which you can take your own life AND pay off your credit card debts. In short, if you have an itch to scratch, life insurance companies have a scratching stick for you. Think of them like witch doctors, but for the modern fambly man.ii
That life insurance, and insurance in general, as commonly purchased is an out-and-out scam is evident and indisputable by the simple fact that it’s purchased commonly at all. Everything “for everyone” is a scam. Ipso facto. And that insurance is marketed to grandparents for their grandchildren as a “flexible asset” that “grows as they grow” should serve to allay any possible doubts as to this assertion.
Still, if you’re the sort of fellow who’s looking to provide for his loved ones after he’s passed,iii your options aren’t monthly payments ad infinitum for life insurance policy x, y, or z so much as :
1. Be rich, found a trust.iv
2. Rob a bank and store the booty on a deserted island. Leave a treasure map with old Jewish lawyer.
3. Buy as many bitcoins as you can.v Make privkeys accessible posthumously.vi Leave instructions to sell coins only as needed.vii
I’m partial to #3 but YRMV.
Not dying isn’t an option. Planning ahead is.
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- In the same manner and in the same way as the revenue agency’s abhorrent “don’t pay yourself first, pay us first and then we’ll eventually pay you too, definitely maybe” approach is used, life insurance policies are readily available as “dividend-paying assets,” as if your wife and your piece on the side could both be just as slutty, reliable, intelligent, and worthy of motherhood. Why not also invent an electric toothbrush that vacuums your vagina while you’re at it ? [↩]
- Ideally one with a pre-existing bald spot condition. [↩]
- Business owners are in a different position, mind you. Say you have half the shares in your private company and there are six other partners controlling the remaining 50%. Dollars to doughnuts they don’t have enough capital to buy your shares should you expire unexpectedly, so your life insurance policy will name your partners as beneficiaries so that they can buy your shares and the proceeds can go to your heirs. [↩]
- Even the heartiest stocks have duds every third generation or so. Grosvenor has this shit figured out, which is also incidentally why I didn’t say “get rich.” Net worth isn’t what you think it is. [↩]
- Bitcoin is far from guaranteed to exist in its current incarnation indefinitely, but it’s at least as likely to persist as any given insurance company and its prospects are considerably brighter in the interim. Still, if you’re going to buy bitcoins with debt, make sure it’s non-co-signed debt. Don’t use one of those AML/KYC exchanges either : find a proper broker. [↩]
- It’s left to the alert reader how exactly the deceased will relay his coins to his beneficiaries, but suffice to say that the means and methods available range from the mundane to the audacious, from the sensible to the idiotic. [↩]
- With the second halving tomorrow, bitcoins aren’t exactly getting more plentiful, nor is there a safer haven in these turbulent times. And if your heirs don’t heed your advice, fuck the stupid lot of ‘em. [↩]