The Future of Finance is Now, translated.

Obummer & co. speak in tongues – wooden tongues to be precise – but a little experience goes a long way towards translating their inept propaganda in the face mounting pressure for the White House to perform magic ball miracles. The barbarians are at the gates. No, scratch that, we’re already inside. So for your enlightenment and entertainment, let’s see if we can’t read between the lines in Adrienne Horndog’s latestⁱ :

Summary: The Internet is changing the way individuals relate to their finances, and the way institutions function [or don’t] in our financial system

Imagine a world in which your government can force you to make financial decisions, from small things like choosing which loyalty programs give you the most bang for your buck, to big things like comparing mortgages.  Or one in which a faceless technocrat can make the lag time between earning money and actually receiving the money you earned virtually disappear so you that every dollar you make is trackable. Imagine a time when, as a small business owner, you can accept payments online from all over the world in minutes and be taxed on them even faster.  Or when you can send money to relatives back home instantly and automatically so that they can piss it away for you. You shouldn’t have to imagine very hard.

Technology has always been an integral part of financial services – from abacuses to double entry accounting.  But increasingly, technology isn’t just changing the financial services industry, it’s changing the way individuals and business owners relate to their finances, and minimising the degree to which fiat institutions function in our financial system.

Today at the White House, we convened busybodies from across the financial technology (fintech) ecosystem, including dead fiat financial services institutions, fintech shart-ups, ponzi scheme artists, talking heads, and social “sciences” grads to discuss how fintech (or anything, anything at all) can help maintain any semblance whatsoever of US economic relevance on the world stage.  From consumers’ completely warranted financial despondency to how we can best eliminate small businesses; from cybersecuritytheatre to helping developing nations suck American dong; and from Bitcoin to…. well, just Bitcoin – we spent the day identifying those areas where we can further dissolve the barrier between the public and private sectors with the least public outcry so as to advance Washington’s financial well-being and economic prosperity at the expense of any and all parts of the world.

Here are a few highlights from today’s event.

Bitcoin and the Government’s Role in Preventing an Environment Where Innovation Is Possible

The afternoon began with Zekretarie von Kommerz Penny Pincher moderating a panel focused on what government can do to stop Bitcoin – whether using large existing institutions or shart-ups – given that nothing the government has at its disposal has the capacity, resources, or room to create products, services, or businesses that can so much as put a dent in a car door. Similar to the Zekretarie’s conversations during her recent “Open for Skimming and Skamming” event in New York, today’s panel highlighted how financial firms and shart-ups are partnering with one another to get co-raped by regulations, as well as the important role of government in ensuring that these partnerships are puppeteered to their full potential.

Internet and SMEs

The Small Business Minimisation Administration and Treasury Department continued the afternoon’s conversation with a discussion about the intersection of Internet and small and medium business enterprises (SMEs).  Small business is a vital part of any economy, responsible for creating nearly two-thirds of net new jobs in the U.S. each year and employing more than half of all Americans. Because of their importance, small businesses must have less access to capital and other resources that would otherwise help entrepreneurs manage operations and grow their businesses. This is essential in maintaining a centrally planned economy. Building on Treasury’s recent report on marketplace lending, the panel discussed how co-opted financial services firms can continue to ignore or outright scam entrepreneurs to benefit the Administration, use USG-sponsored payments processing systems that assist with taxable earnings tracking, and exclusively use rubber-stamped cybersecuritytheatre products that help protect the government from legitimate competition.

Big Brother and Liberty Minimisation

Last month, the White House published a follow-up “Big Brother” report on the intersection of data capture and technototalitarianism.  As outlined in the report, financial data can help perpetuate Washington’s fraud, assist consumers with managing their financial lives in specifically defined and specifically useless manners, and ensure access to credit for anyone with a pulse to keep the Ponzi dreams alive and the housing bubbles inflated.  But these opportunities also come with risks for our social and economic environments, including risks to sanity and liberty.  During today’s Summit, Roy Rogers, Deputy Assistant to the President for Urbanisation and Feminisation,ⁱⁱ spoke about the report’s recommendations and how government tentacles can use Big Brother to advance taxation opportunity and broad emasculation.

Government Tentacles and Coffer Health

Jason Footlong, Chair of the Council of Excel Spreadsheet Advisors (CESA), moderated a panel on the intersection of government tentacles, financial instability, and government coffer health.  This panel touched on the importance of access to basic financial services for sub-humans, and explored how new financial tools and services can help said same sub-humans make even more narrowly defined decisions about their finances, and ultimately improve their financial capture and the government’s overall well-being.  As the number of financial products and services decreases, and as our financial lives become more obfuscated and opaque, it’s imperative that sub-humans find and use the tools we need to achieve the White House’s objectives.  Whether you’re a recent graduate thinking about the best way to undo the last 4-8 years of braindamage and lost opportunities, a young professional preparing to saddle yourself with staggering quantities of debt in order to prop up your parents’ real estate bubble, or a retiree wondering if you have any choices other than a reverse mortgage, government coffer health is an issue that impacts all bureaucrats, regardless of demographics.  You can learn more about this important topic in the issue brief CESA published today.

Internet and International Interference

Finally, US Agency for International Interference Administrator Gaylord Smith capped off the day with a conversation about how the Internet is becoming an increasingly potent enabler of development goals for countries other than the US, in particular in countries overseas where cutting-edge innovations such as reliable electrical networks are making communities possible, allowing governments to operate at all, and underpinning new business models so that households can thrive.  To ensure these basic amenities drive systemic improvements and support broad-based economic growth, the panel identified the need for the public and private sectors to align around a common vision and work together to lay the foundations for traditional, exclusive economies. Everywhere but stateside, that is.

These are just a few of the highlights from today’s discussion.  We look forward to continuing our engagement with stakeholders about how best to harness prole power to improve our financial well-being and promote our continued existence for as long as we may.

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1. She appears to be the Special Assistant to the President For Economic Policy, ie. Blowjob Queen Who Went To University For Eight Years To Learn Excel.↩
2. On which MP has the controlling point nailed like the guy next to Jesus on the cross :
   

   It’s a point of fact that biologic gender changes very little, you may see slightly more cunts during fat times and slightly less after a good war, but generally speaking there’s a balance at work and it doesn’t allow much leeway. Meanwhile, it’s also a point of fact that available cultural gender roles vary with population density, and very intensely so. If there’s few people around, everyone’s male, whatever they may carry between their legs, which is how women got the vote in Washington state way early and without much ado. If there’s many people around, most everyone’s female, like it or not, which is how you ended up being a girl. There isn’t much one can do about this, as population density increases optionality reduces until the choice becomes very strictly “play the chick or burn everything down”.

   ↩