How to be a pimp – a simple yet understandable and still exhaustive guide, translated.

This article is a translationⁱ of Mircea Popescu’s Cum sa fii peste – ghid simplu, pe inteles si exhaustiv (2012), and based once againⁱⁱ on essential groundwork laid out by new blogger gabrielradio. Note that this is not written from my first-hand perspective, but from MP’s. Don’t let the pronouns fool you.

Since folks seem to be running around copying and applying my ideas without even the most modest of attributions, nor even writing them there across the tits of the unfortunate woman under discussion (as is the normal and civilised thing to do), what am I to think ? Allow me then to press on in this direction by providing the general public with a guide that even the lowest labourer can use to keep hookers, thus not having to personally work a day in his life. And after each and every labourer starts keeping hookers, the suckers will drown in them, and they’ll be sorry they didn’t link me when they should have. The moral of the whole story being “Don’t fuck with anyone who can pulverise the barriers to entry of your smallish pseudo-business if you have any intention of eating tomorrow”,ⁱⁱⁱ but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

There are three reasons, and only three, that women submit to men. The first is sex, the second is fear, and the third is stupidity. That’s it. Those bullshit theories about “feelings” (with the middle-lower class version of “mutual respect” and the even funnier middle-upper class version^iv of a “joint future” and other such things, written in Romanian Vogue, taken from older editions of Vogue) are exactly that : bullshit. Those feelings may develop afterwards (usually on the foundation of sex, but not necessarily), but proposing their preeminence is akin to arguing that it’s the flower and not the root of the plant that matters. Forget about it – a flower parted from its root dies in a couple of days, whereas a root parted from its flowers will grow other flowers within a couple of weeks.^v

Since the girl will be a hooker, it’s not practical for you to imagine that you’re going to make her submit to you via sexual means. What on earth are you going to do to her – she comes home after a six-hour shift in which she’s fucked some twenty customers and… what, you go and fuck her ? And not only do you fuck her, but you fuck her so convincingly that… she hits the street again the next day to whore herself out, thinking – while she’s getting fucked by various other fellows, some smaller or bigger, some more skillful or more family-oriented – about the fuck-monster that awaits her back at home ? I doubt it. You could try, but it’s quite unheard of.

Practically speaking, we’re left with fear and stupidity. We’ll discuss fear now, and we’ll tackle stupidity in a later article, given its magnitude.

The thing with fear is this : the woman who’s sufficiently beaten will descend into a passive state wherein she becomes well behaved, obedient and submissive. Not that this is an exclusive characteristic of fearful women : a man who is sufficiently beaten goes into the exact same state. In fact, it has nothing to do with individuals, it’s simply the normal physiology of the human psyche, which is not built for individual well-being and fulfilling the illusions of every Adina and Aglae about life ; it’s built for a unique, sole purpose : survival and reproduction. So two purposes. Two unique purposes : survival, reproduction and buying shit. Three ! Three unique purposes !^vi

The only problem is that, though this varies slightly from individual to individual, you have to beat them more or less the first time. Rarely will you ever need to beat them more than they’re physically able to handle,^vii and in the process kill them, so it’ll be easier to just ignore them in this circumstance. Do not, however, imagine that self-described exceptionalists who bandy about such empty delusions as “Oh, I’m the one in a million who needs to be beaten to death before I submit” are in fact anything other than stark raving mad. They absolutely aren’t, though some wannabe heroes overcompensate in their own minds, which is why they think they’re heroes in the first place – in practice, however, they’re the first ones to crack.

So, after that long introduction, here’s the strategy :

1. Kidnap the girl. Doesn’t matter how you do it – whether you lure her in with the promise of work, you pick her up on horseback, you get her drunk at the corporate party and shove her in your trunk – whatever – it’s all the same. Hell, you could even snatch her right from the middle of her own wedding, for maximum trolling.^viii
2. Seclude her. What’s needed next is solitude – so take her to a cave, a forest, an abandoned house, or just about anywhere really. So long as she can’t leave, it’ll suffice. Next, confiscate her phone, ID, and credit cards^ix – which you’ll note is the same as what the policemen when they take your papers. Congratulations, you’re starting to comprehend the workings of the state – this slow motion rape.
3. The first beating. The girl must now be thoroughly beaten, for hours, though not until she faints, but definitely until she softens up. With a bit of experience, you’ll learn to recognize the moment when her misplaced notions of individuation and other related nonsense are liberated from the victim’s mind and the resocialization process is permitted to commence in a more productive way (from the pimp’s perspective).
4. Resocialization. The new hooker must spend time exclusively in the company of other hookers, and preferably in the company of trustworthy girls that you can count on. The new girl is to relearn her social role (because that’s how people live, following certain transcripts, which eventually could be changed, why not). Keep her in “beginner” mode (lots of beatings, little food, inferiority in the group hierarchy) until she desires to advance to full hooker status, a favour you can generously grant her as soon as she seems sincere and ready.
5. Reminder. The hooker must be periodically beaten, so as to reactivate the mechanisms that made her submit in the first place. Depending on the individual, this process will be more or less efficient, requiring more or less beatings, more or less often. Pay close attention to the dosage – that’s how the ones that got away got away, and do consider that it’s better err on the side of more beatings rather than fewer.

So that’s all there is to it. Even if a street hooker makes, on average, rather little, a competent pimp who has made a couple of assistants out of his hooker stable can properly do 3 new beatings per week + provide reminders for another 10-20, admitting he’s working 8 hours a day like a regular person. Now if the average stay for a hooker is 6 months and the reminder interval is every 3 weeks, then you can keep a stable of up to 100 hookers as a sort of absolute theoretical maximum, but figure on closer to 50 as a practical limit.

At a daily profit of about $100^x per hooker (which is probably a bit on the high side, but we’ll use that as a working figure), the pimp has about $100,000+ per month at his disposal to deal with security and other costs. This seems like a lot of money, particularly to the kids who are smart enough to become competent in this trade but who still aren’t educated enough to use their intelligence in a more productive way. Fortunately, this branch is rather narrow – practically speaking violent prostitution is the sex industry’s equivalent of Internet spamming^xi  : an annoyance caused by noobs in their inexorable perambulation between their mother’s womb a life-sentence.

I hope I’ve been of help to you, and if not, I at least hope that you’ve learned something from my experience so that there won’t be any need for new trials on live subjects – it would be a pity for the girls.

I do hope this, but I’m not getting my hopes up.

___ ___ ___

1. That is, this is an adnotated translation with a healthy dose of my own pen’s clarification, re-iteration, and even expansion for the English-speaking and ESL (English as a Singular Language) audience. Not pure enough for you ? C’est domage.↩
2. Gabe’s earlier contributions laid the foundations for How to suck the cock – a guide for half the oral sex, translated. and The clever gentleman Don Quixote de la Mancha and his trusty sidekick Andrei Pippidi, translated.↩
3. Not unlike “Don’t fuck with the wrong people in general,” really. But then again, how’d you know ? There’s no ready answer to this, which is why the libertards want so desperately to persuade you that the natural (and cultivated) differences between individuals, as well as the emergent hierarchy that results from this differences, is a “philisophical / societal / institutional construct, and not legitimate in any way” ; because if that were indeed the case, they could quite randomly mindlessly and, more importantly, cheaply *clickclickclick* on their winbloze machines, all the live long day and with nary a care in the world, without ever worrying about hitting a landmine and blowing up.

   In the real world, however, this approach only works until it doesn’t, for the real world isn’t the Gaussian construct your mother wished it would be.↩

4. If you’re looking for a quick and ready heuristic for teasing apart these two segments of the middle class, it’s typically the middle-upper set that takes such aspirational pains to censor their “foul language” in public.↩
5. Original footnote : And now we have to opportunity to stick the knife still deeper into the wound : there is no woman anywhere that simultaneously a) is properly fucked and b) cheats. There just isn’t, just like there hasn’t been one since the beginning of creation, just like there won’t be one ever under any circumstance – a woman will cheat on even the noblest fellow with another guy that fucks her properly. That’s that : if she cheats on you, you’re impotent, and now everybody knows it. ↩
6. And almost fanatical devotion to the Pope ! How very Spanish Inquisition. ↩
7. As is the case when there’s truly a failure to communicate.↩
8. Original footnote : As you can probably imagine, once you’ve implemented this first step, you’ll have won yourself the ancient status of hostis humani generis, as the Latins would call it, meaning “the enemy of mankind.” As a result, you can reasonably expect that you won’t be doing too well for too long. In particular, in some jurisdictions (such as, for example, the United States), where they think they’re “tough” on kidnappings and rape (and thus effective in combating them), it’s better to kill the girls than to set them free ; lest the girls escape and are found, given that the sentences for the aforementioned crimes and murder are the same, but the latter being a bit more difficult to prove as the victim remains notably silent. As such, it’s probably a good idea to have a corpse processing unit somewhere, and also not to keep the girls more than a couple months or so. And wouldja just look at all the wonderful benefits toughening criminal sentences brings to the victims of various crimes ! ↩
9. Show me the girl in the “civilised world” who carries any amount of cash. Please. I’d like to meet her.↩
10. This is 2012 money, mind, so $200 per ho per day is closer to the inflation-adjusted figure.↩
11. Granting that some spam is remarkably sophisticated.↩