How Developmentally Stunted Ingrates Like Bram Cohen Imagine Bitcoin Mining Companies

Somewhere in a poorly lit warehouse in a tropical jungle next to a hydroelectric dam in central China, a servant tentatively approaches his master…

—Did you hear the news, Emperor Wu ?i The creator of BitTorrent and Level 3 Mage in the Dragon’s Denii is making a stink on social media over the fork war.iii

—(spits out coffee) Wha— What did you say ?!

—Apparently, Herr Cohen is using other peoples’ platforms to take a stand against our disingenuous and selfish reasons. And this could just be the beginning. He’s threatening to make even more of a fuss in the future… or maybe even move onto the next buzzword!

—But he loves “scaling”. If he’s willing to give that up, he must really be serious about this fork thing! How did you hear about this protest?

—Miners hear about every protest, no matter how small.

—Oh, right, I remember.

—You haven’t heard the half of it, Emperor Wu. Herr Cohen says that if you don’t stop the war today and accept his ScaleCoin, he’s going to . . . to . . . I’m sorry, I can’t say it out loud. It’s just too terrifying.

—Say it, damn it! I’m the Emperor!

—All right! If you don’t stop the war . . . he won’t tweet anything for the rest of the week.

—Fork the chain.

—But, Emperor! Shouldn’t we talk about this?

—Dagnammit I said fork the chain!

With apologies to Simon Rich.iv

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  1. Jihan Wu is co-founder of BITMAIN, one of the larger public-facing Bitcoin miner manufacturers who hasn’t yet gone full retard. []
  2. Bram Cohen :

    The thing [Jihan Wu]‘s accused of isn’t violating a patent, or even using asicboost. It’s blocking segwit for disingenuous selfish reasons.

    Hurr much ? The only ingenuous reasons are the altruistic ones donchaknow. []

  3. More properly fork “war”. Stop wasting your time with this childish UA/UASF/SW/LBGTBBQ shit already. Even a bi-monthly glance in the direction of the whole charade is tiresome. Your handlers aren’t paying you enough. Honestly. A fork isn’t happening any time soon. And if it is, it’ll be sunk economically faster than you can say “Classic”. []
  4. Simon’s is one of the better pieces you’ll find at the New Yorker – that great American cartoon book sullied by so much half-baked prose.   []